MANY members of The Avatar staff and friends have asked me what kind of a column I was going to do. When I replied that I thought I would write about balling for the first few months, the inevitable reaction was a snicker, a knowing chuckle, or shocked silence. Nobody seemed to indicate that they thought it was a good idea, or that it might be needed. All of which indicated to me that it was both.
And so here I am, writing about balling; or, if the word offends you, making love. The prevailing attitudes toward sexual congress between male and female (we'll get to acts between members of the same sex in future columns) are fairly obvious. Despite emancipated vocal protests, most chicks still consider balling an act of submission and commitment. That is, by saying yes, they have relented, submitted to a promise (either stated or unstated) or to persuasion, even if they have rationally decided it is what they want. The games and rituals a chick will go through to substantiate this precept go beyond credulity, and more absurd, many of them talk themselves (and their partners, if they do talk to their partners) into believing the same. Commitment follows. Since I have submitted, I have committed myself to something that it "us." The "us" is assumed inherent in the promise or persuasion mentioned above. (In extreme cases, this commitment is marriage, which may even come before the act.) If a male is not interested in participating in a relationship which extends beyond balling, or even that after a few times, a chick feels justified in considering herself taken advantage of. This is justified in her eyes, no matter how much she enjoyed the experience to conclusion, or is herself anxious to withdraw from the relationship.
Guys don't come off any better. For most, balling is an act of conquest (partly caused by and thereby reinforcing a chick's concept of submission) and a demonstration of prowess. Most guys are willing to ball any chick they find desireable and willing, regardless of commitments made to any particular chick, but (even if they profess differently) they don't expect, desire, or permit any chick they are balling reciprocity (to ball any stud they find desirable and willing). Unfortunately, many chicks think this is reasonable, and many who don't put up with it.
Serious students please take note here that we occasionally run across the female bent on conquests and demonstrations of prowess, or the male for whom physical consummation of love is submission and commitment.
The reason chicks feel taken advantage of, and studs are unwilling to give chicks free rein to ball, is that both of them have fallen into the bag of believing their value as a person the same as their value as a sexual partner. They define themselves in terms of their sexual desirability. But dig: none of them, chick or stud, would think for a moment that the sexual desirability of their partner was a complete definition of that person. We recognize in others that the sexual is only one of many aspects to be observed and/or enjoyed, but are blinded to that truth about ourselves.
Are any of us really willing to settle for that limited evaluation of ourselves? I can't answer for you, but I know that it is not a limitation I'm willing to accept. Assuming that readers willing to settle for that self-image have left us by now, let's investigate the alternatives open to any of us who care about climbing out of that stifling bag.
I've heard people say that chicks have to do chick things and guys have to do guy things or the world will fall apart and nothing will work. This is a convenient fiction which permits copping out on your potential to grow as a human being; and growing, I think, is the reason for which many of us have come to suspect we are here.
Realizing that the female submission/male conquest ritual can only exist by the mutual consent of both parties, it is obvious that as long as a chick is willing to visualize her participation in balling as submissive, she gives her partner permission to play conquest, and that as long as the stud is willing to visualize his role as conquest, he gives his partner permission to play submission.
Chicks who want to get out of this bag require only a small shift in perspective. It's not an easy one, just a small one. Start thinking of yourself as a person first, a chick second. The more weight you lend to the former, the less dependency you have on the latter. Then start acting like a person. Don't do things just because they are supposed to be what chicks do. Refuse to respond to studs who come on in the stud role instead of straight out human beings. Remember, it takes mutual consent to support the ritual. Now you and I know that there are lots of guys with whom you just are not going to be able to converse, let alone relate to on this basis. I'm sorry to say that's one of the things you are going to have to learn to live with until you gain enough confidence in yourself as a human being to reach out and pull them gently over the line.
Okay, let's say you find (not "are found by") some guy you want to ball. The hard part is determining a way to let him know you want to make love with him, instead of indicating you will submit if he plays his cards right. The best way is the most in front. Ask: "Will you (ball, make love) with me?"
He could say no. So there's your pride thing whacking you over the head, but that's something guys have had to face all along; and remember, you are trying to overcome the obstacle of defining your value as a person only by your sexual success.
He might well be surprised or confused, because the ritual he is dependent on does not provide any guides for this. Help him to an answer.
He might very well say yes, so you'd better be damned certain that it's what you want.
Keep in mind:
Now, all of you studs who have been reading the above with a smirk, go back and read it all over just plugging in your sex and syndromes in place of the chick things laid out above, remembering that if you don't play your stud game she can't get away with the chick game.
- You have made no commitment except that you want to ball him at least once. Don't pretend anything more.
- If you haven't learned before this to "get off your back" and away from the single position most reinforcing the submissive role, learn how (and keep the lights on).
- When you have learned to understand and are self-confident, then it's up to you to start helping to straighten out the heads of a lot of these studs, just by doing your thing.
Anyone who develops his humanity will find his sexuality enhanced by at least that much. Attempting to develop sexually alone will do nothing for your growth as a human being.
In conclusion, let me leave you with one last thought: Honest masturbation is a lot healthier than a dishonest lay.
Next trip out: The Myth of Promiscuity.